Almost a hundred years ago Einstein proved that gravity curves spacetime in such a way that an object follows the curvature because – according to him “that is the only possible future for that object”.
I sometimes wonder if the same apply to Man. Can Man escape his destiny? If you are meant to be someone or do something important – can you escape? I guess the “Warrenese” theologians would call it “Purpose”.
There is an Arabic word for this – it is “kismet“. The word means “a predetermined or unavoidable destiny.”
The notion of kismet has been with humanity forever. Even Nietzsche had a name for it – he called it his “Amor fati” or Love of Fate.
Every now and again I see the glimpse of the unavoidable. In those times I have tried to hide myself in the prevalent shallow biblical interpretations and institutionalized “Christenese” – but once your faith has carved that deep canyon in your being – no existential river can ever run shallow through the wasteland of your soul again. A deep soul can no more pretend to live shallow (in the land of shallow) than a three dimensional being can try to exist in a two dimensional world ( Flatland ).
After that every book prepares you better (even the most depraved), every conversation convinces you more that its needed and every day makes you more anxious that if you don’t do it – this world of doublethink will continue unabated.
And yet with a Jona-ish naivete you wait one more day hoping you’ll be better prepared – more equiped – more mature or have one more insight that will allow you to do it “perfect” (or avoid it altogether by waiting long enough until someone else does it).
And then the words of Annie Dillard freezes the gently flowing river that I thought I could not cross with these words:
“You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
I had an incredible progression the last two years:
First I feared that I might just simply be backsliding – losing my faith. Then I realized I could not denounce God – He is as real to me now as ever…maybe more than ever. I wasn’t losing faith in God – my faith had simply outgrown the carefully packaged religion/emotionalism that I once thought was faith.
Then I feared the dreaded twins of excommunication and false communication – those silent weapons that nuke the heart and destroys the will.Then when the some of the excommunication happened – instead of disintegrating like I use to – I constructed firmer than ever. There in that silent moment where all religion was stripped away and the Pharisees uncloaked to reveal who they really are – I found the strength. The strength to talk about the excommunication to rip the smiling plastic mask from the faces of those that wear it. No disintegration left to do – I was finally standing firmly on level four and I was able to see level five.
Next I feared reprisal. I have no doubt that some form of real reprisal will come. Will it be character assassination or will it be threats. Will someone try to find a Lutheran slip of the tongue in my text – something that can be construed as anti-government? That is all that will be needed to get rid of the pesky Alien. Or the final possibility …will there be violence?
The problem with becoming completely free is that fear loses its hold on your being. Those fears lost their grip and slid away and new fears could find no foothold in this free spirit.
The problem with insight is that you no longer take hold of one vector; one plane and attempt to describe it. You see the whole multifaceted death star spinning in your minds eye. The problem with that type of insight is that it stuns you into silence like a mental taser gun. Where previously I would spout my unordered emotion about a sliver of the problem and shake my finger at the establishment like a religious Don Quixote – now I was just quiet. How do I put that insight in words?
That in fact became my final challenge and funny enough probably the hurdle that took the longest. Maybe the problem was the comfort I enjoyed of being free – of realizing that I am not a freak but that there are many like us – “Intense” individuals. I am convinced that God dropped that little nugget in my lap to prevent me from turning the rest of my life into a journey of understanding myself. Instead I was now free to pursue what seems to lie in front of me like my kismet. But for a while there I just basked in the warmth of being understood – really understood by someone.
Yet the problem that remained was the “how”. I was and is convinced that none of this will be done in the name of revenge. On the other hand – I am not so presumptuous as to think that what I will create will necessarily be Divinely Inspired, prophetic or even very wholesome. No – I think I finally understand how God works. He takes our failures – our miserably flawed sputterings and if He so desires – uses them as tools. If on some microscopic level this is to be used for some greater good – some purification – some cleansing of the wedding garment – then I want to bow in submission and humbly offer it up. If it is in fact only the apocalyptic ramblings of a yet another disgruntled idiot that’s trying to get something off his chest – then let it die in the miserable pit of “unknown obscurity”.
But I digress – I was trying to talk about the “how”. When you are trying to describe something that is concrete you can use scientific terms, when describing the abstract emotional and spiritual world – you can cling tightly to the quasi-sciences that exist in that realm. Somewhere between theology and psychology I should be able to find the right vernacular right? I suspect that might fall short. I realize I am not schooled in either and whilst I can lean on others to fill in those gaps – that cannot be the main discipline that is used.
Another alternative is to emerse myself in the satirical, cynical and sarcastic. I seem to be fairly good at it – although not a master. I suspected all along that it would position the work on a plane where I would feel uncomfortable. By the way not uncomfortable while I write it. In fact that would be quite entertaining – I can see myself like a type of “Ann Coulter” that giggles as I spout clever poisonous lines that enrages and wounds. Such a weapon would not be surgical enough – it would be like mustard gas killing everyone on the battle field depending on the direction of the wind.
I just finished reading a book – a book I thought was safe. “Hey lets read Orwell’s 1984 – so many people refer to it. It is one of my top hundred books to read before I die so lets just get it done“. but I should have known that although I think the planet of my life is moving on a straight plane – it is in fact curved and I was met there with lots of answers.
The systems were all to familiar albeit that what we face have many more facets or dimensions. Funny how men are so depraved that they recreate the same system over and over – as if programmed. Evil is a reality and nothing is more sinister than evil dressed up as good. Orwell had slogans for his party – it was “War is Peace”; “Freedom is Slavery” and “Ignorance is Strength”. Those slogans ring eerily true in the realm of my kismet.
But the final gift Orwell gave me was the format. The most innocent of formats is the right one. The format will be a novel. There are subtle points one can make with a novel that no amount of satire can achieve. I can simply tell the story – that is all that’s needed. It will be fiction not because the truth is less upsetting or interesting – but simply to ensure that all is told and the problem is fully highlighted.
I suspect I will take another few tries at convincing myself to forgo this act – to throw the pen away before I lay it down on paper – but in all reality looking at what I just wrote – it might be too late for that.
